Testing Times
by robster72
Summary: Complete. All Rimmer has to do is pass his AstroNavigation exam but you can't do that 3 million years from earth? Or can you? Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! All reviews welcome!

**Chapter One - Testing Times**

Rimmer looked up from his exam and peered around at the others in the room. He was surrounded by shadowy figures all scribbling on the paper. Some smegger was already asking for more paper!

Ignore them.

Concentrate on the question.

Print your surname.

Right easy. Arnold.

Smeg! Cross that out and write in Rimmmer.

No! Too many 'm's"! Breathe deeply. Calm down. Rimmer started taking deep breaths until spots appeared in front of his eyes. Breathe normally! Breathe normally! He took in several gasping breaths and got the attention of the examiner at the front of the room.

He mouthed 'I'm fine' and looked down again. Right turn over the page… It couldn't be as bad as the practical he had just had. What was the question again? Oh yes… "You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down." Thank god it was a virtual simulator, if it was real he would have been glowing like a light bulb and Red Dwarf would have blown up and taken out three neighboring suns. Red cable, blue cable? What's the difference? Well quite a lot when it comes to nuclear reactors, he had to admit…

Anyway back to this exam. Turn over the page…. That's good, it has words in English on it. Last time he took it, it was in Swahili. It was just a small mistake on the front cover. "Tick your language." English, Swahili, there was only a few letters difference.

"1. Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had in mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s."

He checked the front cover again. Is this Swahili? Or some strange English dialect he didn't know, like cockney rhyming slang? Nope, definitely English.

Rimmer's jaw dropped on the table. This was impossible! Completely impossible! Don't panic, just look at the next question.

"2. Describe, using crayons where appropriate, the workings of the ion drive and its effect on the Pre-Neolithic society of Tasmania."

He rolled his eyes. Just look at the third question.

"3.Bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonnerronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthurnuk?"

He rolled his eyes. Right, that's it. He clapped his hands together. "Off!" He shouted in his nasal tones. "Off!"

The examination room shimmered and faded around him and the stark metallic confines of Starbug appeared.

That was the fourth time he had taken the "Virtual Officer's Exam." And the fourth time he had failed. There must be something wrong with it though… The data must have got corrupted or something. The questions were impossible!

True he might be three million years from Earth and the nearest test centre but if he could pass it virtually...! He could be a virtual officer! And let's be honest, he was a virtual officer now. I mean who else was in charge?

Kryten? A cleaning droid, basically. He found out recently his head was the shape it was to clean toilets… He shuddered.

Lister? A man with the drive and determination of a dead slug. The only time he had seen him sprint was when he had run out of poppadoms.

And Cat? A man descended from cats. A man who slept five times a day and who spent the rest of the time preening himself.

No, his one drive was those elusive officer's pips. Unfortunately, being a man, he was refusing to ask directions; and so far his drive had led him into deep space with three people who would need an extra twenty IQ points to achieve the level of moron.

He squared his shoulders, still virtually pip free, and strode into the control centre of Star Bug…

A smell of stale curry assailed his nostrils and he could see a man was slouched at the pilot's seat trying to floss his teeth with a beer mat.

"How'd the exam go then, Rimmer? You were quicker than normal? Are you getting faster at writing 'I'm a fish' now?"

Rimmer gave him his grade three smile. The smile with a hint of menace and the look he reserved for the terminally stupid. Curiously, he used that all the time on Star Bug. "I was quick, Lister, because I was too good for the questions."

"What, you didn't answer them?"

Damn! Damn! Lister was such a smarty pants! "No, not at all. I think you'll find I answered them all correctly."

"Really…" Lister looked down at a small screen and a small smile appeared on his chubby face. "Really?"

Damn him to smeg! He was reading the report. "Well, I wasn't really trying…" He was floundering; he knew he was floundering.

"Let's see that, bud?" asked Cat, peering over his shoulder.

"What's that green bar there?"

"That's how many questions he needs to answer to pass."

"Why's there a bar that goes under that line?"

"That's how many Rimmer got this time…"

Lister screwed up his forehead in concentration. "How did you get a negative result? That's a new one, isn't it?" Lister looked at the text under the graph. "Did you not even spell your NAME right?"

"Very amusing, Listy, very amusing! I wasn't trying! Try to get that in your curry filled vacuum you have under your hat! It wasn't a real test! It's defective, it's broken. If it were a real test I would pass! I know I would pass! I just don't bother with virtual tests. I mean they aren't real! Why should I try in them? Who wants to pass a virtual exam?" Rimmer gave a huge, over inflated sigh. "Sadly, I'll probably never get another chance to take a real exam…"

Kryten clucked like a mother hen. "Now sir, that might not be entirely true…"

Rimmer's face screwed up and he talked to the animated toilet cleaner. "What do you mean, not entirely true?"

"Well sir, you know we've been picking up an SOS call for the past six days."

Rimmer shook his head. "I know, I know, that's why we left the small rouge one parked round that planetoid. We've run out of curry again! What a surprise! Wouldn't it be easier to convert Lister to a love of pastas than chase round half the galaxy every time he gets hungry?"

Lister shook. "I need my curry! I just need one last curry, man! I'm going cold turkey!"

"Lister, for you there is no such thing as one last curry… It might do the air conditioning some good to take you off the curry diet for a few weeks though. You know the air filters we have on board? They are designed to protect the crew from lethal mine gases like stythe, carbon monoxide and methane in quantities by the kiloton. They are supposed to have a lifetime's guarantee! We've had to replace them five times already!"

Lister shrugged. "So?"

"Since we left the ship."

"So?"

"A day ago!"

Lister's chubby face smiled at Rimmer. "Brutal!"

Rimmer shook his head. "Anyway, what were you blathering about, Kryten?"

"The ship the signal is coming from, sir, is a Space Corp vessel. I've downloaded the files on it. It is basically a Space Corp test vessel for officers. It is a fully accredited Test Center for the Space Corp Astronavigation Officers."

"What's it doing out here?"

"Well, according to the computer records the cadet doing the last test on it accidentally opened the shields on it and irradiated the Space Cadet crew. Just before doing a sling shot maneuver round the sun. It has taken three million years just to slow down."

"My heart bleeds for the stupid little smegging officer. Oh, my parents own half of Space Corp, cadets."

Kryten's toothless mouth broke into a smile. "I can book you an exam on it, sir. The ship's on board computer has the authority to award you your pips. You could be an officer!"


	2. Chapter 2

Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! Thanks to all the reviews so far! All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Two - Testing Times**

Lister looked at him with contempt. "You? Pass the Astro-navigation exam?"

"I could pass it anytime I want to…"

"You've failed it thirteen times already," said Lister. "What makes you think you could pass it now?"

Rimmer squinted his eyes together and glared at the little oik. "I haven't failed it thirteen times…"

"How many times have you taken the exam then?"

"Thirteen."

Lister made a great play of examining Rimmer's shoulders, which were conspicuously free of pips.

"They don't all count as failures. I got eleven failures and two x's for unclassified; there's a big difference, Listy, a huge difference!" Those two x's he had gotten gnawed at his soul. He had been so damn close! He had pasted the last one up in his study desk so he could see how close he had been.

Kryten clapped his hands together. "Do you want me to book you an exam, sir?"

"What, now?" said Rimmer. "I need notice!"

Lister shook his head. "You've been taking those stupid virtual exams practically every day for the past four months! The time you haven't spent in there you've been revising for the stupid smegging exam. What more practice do you need? I mean, why do you feel your life would be complete with a stupid officer's pips? Is it worth wasting your life over?"

Rimmer didn't even bother replying to that comment. What would he know, the dim-witted idiot? Being able to look in the mirror in the morning and not just see a failure… A man who had lost at everything he had ever done, but to see a success. A go-getting man with epaulettes! That was everything! He often dreamt he had passed the exam and would wake up happy and would be content for several minutes until he looked in the mirror again to see the same failure, the same empty shoulders. He wasn't wasting his life with it; it _was_ his life.

It was part of his grand plan! Become an officer! Meet a woman! Get married! Being an officer was integral to the whole scheme! Lister was happy being a nothing; he was not.

Rimmer raised a finger dramatically and said firmly. "Book it for today!" He thought a moment. "No, tomorrow…" He thought a little more. "Next week?"

"Next month? Next year?" added Lister sarcastically.

"If you don't feel you are ready for it, sir," Kryten said quietly. "I'm sure we can tow the ship to the Dwarf's cargo hold. You can take it when you feel ready…"

"Never…" mouthed Lister.

Rimmer bridled at this. He was ready! He knew he was ready! He had been revising solidly for the past four months! And as a result his desk was the cleanest it had ever been! He had colour coded his pens, organized his sock drawer into days of the week. He had set up a killer revision timetable in 3D! Each day had a little swivel colour coded box that you turned around to a different sector to see what you should be studying (he had divided the day into four sectors). It had taken weeks to design and build. It had taken him months to get the actual killer study routine set up and the perfect study environment.

Weeks to do!

Possibly months!

Probably all four months…

In fact when he thought about it, had he actually opened up any of his books? The ones he had placed in height order at the back of the desk. The ones he had typed name labels in and drawn neat boxes around with a set square? The inside box was black and the outside two millimeters out was red. Each name label was a work of art. He had a special tortoiseshell pen with a gold nib for writing his name in his beautiful handwriting. But actually knowing what was in there? His desk was so clean he had been rubbing off the varnish so he had actually once opened up a book… He had opened one up carefully three weeks ago with a forceps so as not to damage the page.

What was the title again? Oh yes… "The geological evolution of Atai Mons Venus, A volcano 'corona' hybrid." He had actually read the first two paragraphs before his head started throbbing. Being a hard light hologram, he was meant to be practically immortal and invulnerable. Didn't stop him getting a headache… He'd had to lie down for twenty minutes after that.

He looked at Lister, who was giving him a contemptuous look. Looking at him like he was a failure. "Book it now. For today. This very afternoon!" Lister's eyebrows rose at this and Rimmer felt a small glow of pleasure at wrong footing him.

"Certainly sir, certainly sir," bustled Kryten, typing something into the computer screen. "What's your candidate number, sir?"

Without even thinking Rimmer said. "16888…"

"831," added Kryten. "How curious, the ship seemed to add the numbers in itself."

"831," echoed Rimmer. He made a great play of looking at his watch. "Right; I've got two hours last minute revision, not that I need it! I'll see you gentlemen shortly. Listy, prepare your saluting arm!" With that he marched out.

Lister made a play of saluting him, which ended with him giving a v sign to his retreating back.

Rimmer walked calmly out of view, then scampered into the office he had made up on Starbug. All his diagrams and graphs were pasted up on the wall and all his clean neat books.

An exam!

A chance of officer-hood!

In just two hours!

Right, breathe deeply. I need to cheat… His mind balked at the word and quickly changed it to learn. How can I learn everything in two hours? He grabbed the last examination paper from the top of the pile, this sent paper sprawling over his nice clean desk but he ignored it. What was the last question? "Describe, using formulae where appropriate, the application of De Burgh's theory of thermal induction of porous circuitry."

He quickly glanced through the other exams from previous years. They always asked about porous circuitry… He scanned the books. There it was, looking like a telephone book for the Greater London area, "Porous Circuitry for Complete and Total Brain Dead Idiots!"

How can I learn that in under two hours?

I'm just a man! I'm not a computer!

Hang on a minute, I may not be a computer but… "Holly!"

The screen in front of him remained obstinately blank. "Holly?"

The head of a balding man shimmered into view. "What?"

"What do you mean, what? I'm a senior technician; you address me as sir or senior technician or 2nd Technician Arnold Rimmer! Not what?"

Holly raised his eyebrows slightly at this and stared at him again. "What, Senior Arnold?"

Close enough. "You know my personality is run on a computer?"

"Yes."

"Could you add knowledge to that computer so I could access it?"

Holly smiled slightly. "You mean cheat?"

"Cheat! Cheat! I am a second technician of the Space Corp, I don't cheat…"

"It might be possible to add it to your long term memory storage facilities…"

"Marvelous!"

"When?"

"Now."

"What?"

"My books divvy! I've got an exam in under two hours!"

"Divvy?"

"You heard! Get on with it!"

"Certainly Senior Arnold… Your books…" The screen shimmered slightly as Holly's face disappeared.

A couple of hours later Rimmer put down the book he had been struggling to read and looked up as there was a clanking sound, as Starbug attached a magnetic clamp to the side of the Space Corp vessel, then the ship juddered slightly as it attached to the side of the ship.

Kryten's voice came over the intercom. "We have docked, sir."

Another electronic voice came over the speakers. "Welcome to test center 545482, the SC Vessel Letifer. Will all candidates please attend a routine screening before starting the exam. All electronic devices must be left on your vessel. From the time the test starts to when it finishes no communication with any other person living or dead, mechanical or flesh is permitted. On behalf of the Space Corp Examination Department we would like to wish Mr Rimmer luck."

"Holly!" hissed Rimmer.

The disembodied head of Holly appeared. "Yes, Arnold?"

"Have you managed to…"

"What?"

"You know, my books? Have you updated my long term memory storage?"

"Yes, Arnold, you'll have immediate access to your books when you take the exam."

Arnold looked up and whispered. "Thank you, Holly! When we next speak I could be an officer!"

Rimmer walked through the ship to the central area where the docking area was. Lister, the Cat and Kryten were there. Lister put out a hand. "Good luck, smeghead. Remember you spell your name R – I – M…"

"I know, I know!"

The Cat smiled, his incisor teeth showing over the top of his lips. "See you in two minutes, bud!"

Rimmer ignored him.

"The best of luck, sir, we're all rooting for you!"

"Can we just leave him on board?" whispered the Cat.

"We've got to get the curry off it first!" said Lister.

Rimmer looked at Lister and shook his head. "What's a Space Corp Test vessel doing with curry on board?"

"Hey, I'm not an officer, don't ask me. See yer soon, smeghead! Hey, to think I could soon be insulting an officer and not just a techy!"

Rimmer glanced at a rust patch on the wall, trying to think of something to say… What was a suitable officer thing to say? What would mention the soon to be wide gulf between such comrades?

"Smeg off, Lister!"

That'll do!

The door hissed open in front of him and showed the blackness of the tunnel between the ships. With a whooshing sound the lights came on. Through that tunnel is officerhood! He squared his shoulders, still remarkably light but hopefully not for much longer! He raised his chin and marched through the tunnel. A blue light bathed him for a moment as he was scanned for any electronic trickery.

Would it detect the hidden knowledge in his mind? That couldn't be regarded as cheating, could it? It was though, added an annoying little voice in the back of his head. Could it detect guilt?

Rimmer tried to smile and look nonchalant. It didn't work.

The door in front of him hissed open as it came up with nothing.

The sound of the Cat, Lister and Kryten bickering behind him disappeared and he marched onto the ship…

A silvery gray robotic invigilator walked out of a side door and stood in front of him.

"Second Technician Arnold Rimmer?" it asked in melodic tones.

"Yes. That's me." Arnold tapped himself on the chest unnecessarily. "Arnold Rimmer. Yes. Second Technician." He elbowed the android in a bad attempt to appear cheerful. "But not for long!"

The android gave him a blank look.

"I hope, I mean I hope. I mean I've got no reason to think I won't pass now, I've studied enough! I mean I'm not cheating at all! Would I cheat? I don't even know the meaning of the word cheat…" He thought a moment. "Well I do know the meaning of it; I just wouldn't actually do it…" He tailed off into silence.

"According to our records the last time you took this exam you wrote the contents of your books on your body…"

"Well, yes. When I said I wouldn't actually cheat, I meant now…"

"If you could follow me please, Mr Rimmer."

"Certainly, certainly…"

There was silence as he followed the android down the corridor. Several lights were fizzling as they passed and small sad piles of dust lay about the corridor. The android just ploughed through them but Rimmer hopped and skipped over them like a demented kangaroo.

"I bet you get lots of nervous techies doing exams?"

"No."

"Right, right."

"You've probably done this a lot then?"

"Yes."

"But not recently though?"

"No."

In silence now Rimmer followed the android into a huge empty examination room. A single spotlight was on one desk in the middle and there was the familiar sight of the examination paper in the middle. A black biro was next to it.

"I'll sit down, shall I?"

Silence.

"I'll sit down then…" Rimmer sat down and looked around him. Empty. Several chairs had the piles of dust of them.

The android walked to the front of the room. "The exam will last two hours. If you have any questions or need any more paper or pens please raise your hand." A huge red digital clock started up behind the invigilator. "If you could turn over the paper now…"

Rimmer took a deep breath, his heartbeat threatening to deafen him. This could be the start of a new era for him. He turned over the page…


	3. Chapter 3

Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! With thanks for the reviews so far. All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Three - Testing Times**

Rimmer carefully turned over the paper and read the first words.

Print your surname.

Right, he wasn't going to get this one wrong. Rimmer. He wrote carefully.

Print your first name.

Arnold.

Candidate number.

16888831

On a roll! I'm going to be an officer! Already he was in one of the Red Dwarf's automated clothing facilities getting fitted for his officer's uniform. He would wear the dress uniform with all the gold epaulettes for maybe the next two years. No! The next four years! That's more like it! You're not there yet, concentrate on the exam!

He turned over the page.

"1. Describe, using diagrams where appropriate, the correct application of porous circuits in thermal inductions."

Porous circuits again!

Right, come on Holly, have you downloaded the books?

He breathed deeply and began to write… '"What is that singing?" asked Connie in wonder. We are surrounded by fairies and the ground is made of sweets and chocolates of all kinds!'

Rimmer looked at what he had written.

Smeg!

He didn't know much about porous circuits, but he did know they weren't made by the fairy folk.

Breathe deeply! Breathe deeply! Let's try the second question…

"2. Using the Dijkstra formula, describe the differences between Ion drives and the Momentum drives."

Breathe deeply again and just write… 'The battle of Borodino was one of the most bloody battles of the Napoleonic wars, fought between Bonaparte and his 130,000 troops and the Russians under the command of General M I Kutozov…'

This is Holly's fault! He said 'download his books' and he had, but not those books! He had downloaded his childhood fairy stories and his books on Bonaparte! The git!

With a sinking feeling he approached the third question…

"3. What are the preliminary requirements for the design of an SUV (Space Utility Vehicle). Describe how the Space Corp Star Bugs utilise this requirement."

Sighing, he raised his pen and swept it over the paper. He wasn't surprised to see a picture of some pre-renaissance Madonnas who looked like they bought their clothes at the local oak tree. Only a few leaves hid their modesty.

He grabbed his forehead, groaned and put down the pen.

"Finished so soon, Mr Rimmer?" intoned the Invigilator.

Rimmer hastily turned the paper over. "Yes, yes, I'm finished all right," he said in a hollow voice.

"That paper is only worth 20 of the total score, Mr Rimmer. The practical is worth 80 and you only need 70 to pass. Would you like to do the practical now, Mr Rimmer?"

He sighed. "Yes, yes, why not. Let's get it over with." Dejectedly he trailed after the Invigilator. He still had a small chance to pass this exam… There was nothing he wouldn't do to become an officer. Nothing. If the Invigilator had asked him to dance the salsa naked with a rabid bear on a tight rope over Mt Etna he would have happily picked out the dancing shoes.

"This next test is a more realistic way to test officers, Mr Rimmer, hence the higher test rating. It puts you into real life situations." The Invigilator turned and faced him, his blank faceplate revealing nothing. "I feel that someone such as you who has survived for so long in deep space will have no problems with such tasks." Rimmer's mood lightened at this comment. It was true, he had survived! Although to be fair his main survival technique was hiding under the nearest table until whatever threat it was had gone; but survive he had! True, he had been killed once, but that happens to the best of us!

They walked into the cockpit of the ship and the android stood behind the commander's chair. "All the controls are live here, Mr Rimmer."

Rimmer sat down nervously. The controls were aligned pretty much identically to Star Bug's. He started to perk up a bit. He might actually do okay with this!

"Your first test is disconnecting the Starbug craft from our hull."

Rimmer looked down at the controls. Disconnect the Starbug… Right, that would be to do with the docking clamps. He pressed a button and a drinks dispenser at the other side of the chair ejected a steaming cup of coffee.

The invigilator gave him a peculiar look. "Flying always makes me thirsty." He gave a great play of sipping it. "Mmm! Coffee! Wonderful! And made from fermented yak dung by the taste of it! Lovely!"

He put the coffee to one side and tried another button. With a clanking sound the walkway between the craft was removed.

"Well done, Mr Rimmer," said the Invigilator, ticking a small box on his clipboard. "Your next task is to fire the engines."

Think, Arnie, think! Fire the engines? That means flooding the engines with oxygen first, then releasing the ion particles into the wave field.

Or does it?

Listy normally does this, why does the Smeghead never let me drive! He's crashed Starbug more times than the Fanfiction website!

Listy normally adds 20 oxygen to the engines before releasing the ion flow. Rimmer changed the dial to 20. However this is a bigger ship… He changed the dial to 40. Add an extra 20 to be on the safe side and a little extra to make sure.

Now what about the ion flow? Lister normally put in 10. Yes, but that was a man who thought deodorant was a country in Africa. Put in 20... No, just to make sure put in 50!

He pressed the button…

Rimmer was quite lucky here. The only effect on him was to push him so far back into the seat only his nose was visible. The Invigilator however was thrown back the length of the cockpit and landed upside down in the door. The resulting effect was quite artistic and judging by the mechanoid swearing, quite painful…

Staggering slightly, the Invigilator came back. "Well done, Mr Rimmer, that seemed okay. Possibly released a bit too much oxygen at the start but you definitely got the ship to move…" He ticked another box.

Rimmer allowed a small frisson of pleasure to erupt in him. He was doing okay! He could be an officer! He pictured himself in his mind's eye telling Lister and Kryten that they needn't call him sir, just Lieutenant Rimmer would do.

"Right, Mr Rimmer, if you could try the emergency brakes please?"

To apply brakes on an SC ship means you have to add nitrous oxide in small quantities to break the ionic bonds and produce a reverse thrust equal and proportionate to the current speed. How fast were they going now? 276,000 mph. Lister normally adds 2 kg per hundred thousand mph. So add 6kg… But this is a bigger ship though? About 10 times bigger so times 6 by ten 60 kg. Is it heavier though? It certainly looked heavier out of the view port window. But does weight count in space? Call it 70 kg. 80 kg to be on the safe side…

This time the Invigilator had a firm hold of a chair behind Rimmer when he said this. All this meant though was that when Rimmer braked, the chair as well as the Invigilator went flying against the glass. The screen in front of Rimmer, that was designed to withstand a two tonne asteroid hitting it at 500,000 mph, had a small crack in it now…

The Invigilator, slightly flatter than he was originally and shaking slightly, got to his feet. "Well, you certainly have the hang of that…" He dusted himself off slightly. "Next question. You are approaching space dock."

"Am I?" asked Rimmer, squinting through the windows.

"No," said the Invigilator. "This is a hypothetical space dock."

"Is that blue or something?" asked Rimmer.

"No, it is an imaginary space dock."

"Right, right."

"The gate opens to the space dock and the light changes from red to orange. What do you do?"

"In my imagination?"

"Yes."

"Well, currently in my imagination I'm re-fighting the last game of Risk I played against Kryten. I'm sure that metal head cheated."

The Invigilator added quietly. "What about the lights?"

"I'd stay where I am, I haven't finished my game of Risk yet…"

"That is the correct answer. In a round about way, well done." The Invigilator looked down at his board. "You are doing very well, Mr Rimmer, you only need to get this final question right and you will be an officer."

Rimmer's face lit up; already in his mind he was on various chat shows. "Well, it was easy really; I always knew I could get them." He was already marching Lister round the ship, telling him what a disgrace he was. Girls were looking up at him with adoring eyes. He had done it! An officer! All his past failures would be swept away with this one glorious success!

The Invigilator pressed a button on the console and a small screen lit up showing three people, two humanoid and one android. "These three people are attempting to loot the ship. The ship has detected this and trapped them in the cargo hold. The Space Corp penalty for looting is death. To become an officer, Mr Rimmer, all you have to do is press this button and flood the cargo hold with lethal sulphuric acid gas."

Officerhood and eternal glory was just a button press away! Rimmer's hand hovered over the button…


	4. Chapter 4

Characters owned by Rob Grant and Doug Naylor. With special thanks to Cmar for beta reading this for me! Also thanks to Cmar, Cazflibs and Sunrise over the Tango Factory for the reviews! All reviews welcome!

**Chapter Four - Testing Times**

Rimmer's hand hovered over the button. This was what he had struggled for for so long…

He could see the images of Kryten, Lister and the Cat struggling against the door…

An officer!

He lowered his finger.

He could at last order around…

His finger stopped.

Who?

If he killed Lister and the others who could he order around? Who could he get to polish his lapels?

What the hell? He could just order the skutters…

He lowered his finger again and then he stopped. "Hang on!" he said to the Invigilator. "This can't be that easy! I've been struggling to get this for years!"

"You just need to press the button, Mr Rimmer…"

"This has to be a mistake; you can't make me an officer!"

"Press the button, Mr Rimmer, and you will be an officer."

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'Why?'"

"Why me? Why do you want me to be an officer?"

"For millions of years I have been patrolling the galaxy in an attempt to continue the Space Corp Standard. I thought the Space Corp was wiped out millions of years ago. I thought there was no chance of continuing the line of elite officers until I received a signal from Red Dwarf. It had reactivated a hologram! A hologram and a human. My research showed that the human had no drive or ambition, but with you the Space Corp can live on!"

"Indeedy!" said Rimmer. Rubbing his hands with glee he lowered his hand towards the button again. "Just a second though, Inviggy, what if… If I kill Listy and the others; sure the universe would be a less smelly place, but I would have no one to order around!"

"You don't need them. You don't need anyone! You are practically immortal; with you the Space Corp can live on for an eternity! All your life you wanted to be an officer! With me you can be a General! A Space Corp Marshall! The President of the Space Corp! You can rebuild the fleet; reactivate the holograms of Space Corp personnel with you at the head! And I…" At this the Invigilator closed his eyes reverently… "Can test them…"

"Well it's very tempting but you clearly belong in an insane asylum dribbling into a strait jacket, so I'll just be going…"

Without seeming to move the Invigilator was blocking the door. "Mr Rimmer, you do not understand. This is not what an officer would do…"

"Well, if being an officer means spending an eternity with a mad robot, I think I'll pass…"

"The only reason you won't is because the others still live…" said the Invigilator. He leapt towards the control panel and Rimmer jumped towards him and pushed the Invigilator back, toppling him over towards the console…

What the smeg am I doing? I'm scuffling with the one person who can make me an officer!

The Invigilator reached an arm towards the button and Rimmer grabbed his arm and tried to wrench the Invigilator back, toppling the robot back towards the glass screen. The Invigilator smashed against the glass viewport, which had already been cracked earlier. The window started cracking some more and a hissing sound started as the pressure outside tried to equalise what was inside. The pressure was making the Invigilator stick to the glass like an oversized novelty car toy. Cracks formed around him and he was sucked into the blackness of space.

Smeg!

Rimmer ran towards the door, which started closing to protect the integrity of the hull…

Smeg!

He was running now like he was wading through treacle. A hurricane force wind tried to pull him out into space and the door in front of him was thundering down… He had wanted a body for so long and now when he eventually had one it was killing him… He was being dragged inexorably towards the harshness of space. Would he float for centuries out there? Unable to move, unable to die until he was too far from the Dwarf and the signal would wink out?

He grabbed hold of the commander's chair, his legs pointing out towards space. He gibbered in panic as his fingers dug into the chair. A chair that was beginning to bend. A chair that was beginning to crack…

His feet were actually in space! He looked behind him and could see the Invigilator floating in Space behind him, a light covering of frost covering him. His feet were getting the same deathly coating and it was creeping up his trouser legs, crackling as it went… The door was only a few inches wide even if he was there he could not squeeze through. His prized new hard light body would be the end of him… Unless…

"Soft light!" Rimmer said to activate the soft light side of his light bee. He normally used it to conserve power or when he was asleep. His feet dropped to the floor since his body suddenly had no wind resistance and he scampered like a deranged rodent towards the ever narrowing door. Since he had no real physical form now apart from the light bee he rolled through the door (literally); the small gap that was there allowed his bee to pass through, scraping against the sides as it went, and he was in the corridor of the test ship. With a wump sound the door hissed shut behind him…

Second Technician Arnold Rimmer paused to get his breath back. Not that he breathed at all but it was more habit than anything…

There was a loud clanging sound ahead of him, like something about six foot tall, fairly sturdy, with a flat top hitting a metal door, and he ran through down the corridor towards the supply section. The door in front of him was locked.

"Hard light!" Rimmer pressed the unlock button on the keypad and the door hissed open.

Lister, Kryten and the Cat fell out. "Rimmer! For the first time in…" Lister's eyebrows raised as he thought… "ever, I'm pleased to see you!" He gave him a friendly punch. "How did the exam go then? Did you pass the smegging thing?"

"Not this time, Listy, not this time..." And for the first time ever he really didn't care…

The End


End file.
